The selfishness and self-preservation issue has been making itself known in my life.
How odd it is that we are on the Torah portion that has Yosef sold into slavery. I often feel that I’m in the loop Yosef was in: persecuted, hated, imprisoned, false evidence, then finally raised to a good spot -- but only temporarily. Now I don’t think I’m operating at the extremes of these but this pattern still exists. How much of it is me creating these situations?
What is it that I am not getting here?
I want so badly to just have a steady financial existence with security where I do work for the Kingdom full time. But then again, I don’t. It seems to be in the tough areas that Abba reveals the most to me. But how much of that revelation translates into real relational things instead of just teaching points. I do enjoy teaching others but I contend with things such as:
Did people hear what was taught?
Are they actually going to change themselves?
Are my struggles yielding fruit?
Is it even necessary for others to change or be impacted?
Am I really doing Kingdom work?
But the biggest question I have for myself is:
Maybe a slave to my gift of teaching?
Is my slavery fueling a desire to have value?
Can I have value outside of my gifting?
Do I really believe I have value just because of who I am?
Am I trying to earn Abba’s favor?
Do I expect Him to elevate me when I do even more work for Him?
Am I upset when I keep getting back into the loop?
Can I remain content even in the pit?
Can I remain content as I’m being transported to Egypt to be sold?
Can I remain content as I’m being accused?
Will I be helping more people than I can imagine?
Am I messing up Abba’s plan for me by being focused on myself?
How do I not focus on myself?
How do I not let the daily frustrations impact my calling?
Do I feel supported?
Do I feel alone?
In my mind, Abba would provide resources for me to spend all of my time growing the Kingdom -- in the way that I think.
What did Yosef think of Abba those years he was in an Egyptian dungeon?
What do I think of Abba in the dungeon of my own creation?
Do I feel this is how a good Father would treat his son?
Or was he a good Father by letting the slavery get broken off of him?
I want to stop trying to earn Abba’s favor. I want to just be loved for being me, not for the things I have done, can do, or will do. I don’t want to have the illusion I am being blessed as a slave. I want more badly to be loved as a son. A son doesn’t have to do anything to earn the love of his father. A slave must earn the trust of the Master.
This drive to have a platform to produce content for the Kingdom is rooted in a need for trust. “I promise that if you give me the resources I need, I will do work to expand the Kingdom.” This is what I have done. I’m bargaining with my Master to grant me an elevated state in His house. This is a slavery mentality.
A slight change in how I see things could make all the difference. I need to work to expand the Kingdom because that is something I want to do. Not that I will be better received or more trusted. I understand the value of my Father’s house and want to see it all expanded for His glory, not mine. He can use anyone else He chooses to do the work I am doing. He can hire slaves to do the work. But I am not a hired hand. Receiving money and resources for my house seems to be the mentality of a slave. Stewarding money and resources for His House is the mentality of a Son.
I do not want to be a hired hand any longer.
I resign my post as a slave for the Kingdom. I am picking up the mantle of stewardship as a son and will work in my Father’s house because I love spending time with Him. Not because I want His provision for my own glory. I have squandered plenty of provision He has granted me as a slave, and the time has come to understand how every dollar and every minute has been given to me for His glory. I surrender my selfishness and no longer want to be the object of my own affection.
John 14:8 Philip said to him, “Lord, show us the Father, and it will be enough for us.” 9 Yeshua replied to him, “Have I been with you so long without your knowing me, Philip? Whoever has seen me has seen the Father; so how can you say, ‘Show us the Father’? 10 Don’t you believe that I am united with the Father, and the Father united with me? What I am telling you, I am not saying on my own initiative; the Father living in me is doing his own works. 11 Trust me, that I am united with the Father, and the Father united with me. But if you can’t, then trust because of the works themselves. 12 Yes, indeed! I tell you that whoever trusts in me will also do the works I do! Indeed, he will do greater ones, because I am going to the Father. 13 In fact, whatever you ask for in my name, I will do; so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. 14 If you ask me for something in my name, I will do it.
Matthew 5:3 “How blessed is the son who is the poor in spirit!
for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs.
4 “How blessed is the son who mourns!
for they will be comforted.
5 “How blessed is the son who is meek!
for they will inherit the Land!
6 “How blessed is the son who hungers and thirsts for righteousness!
for they will be filled.
7 “How blessed is the son who shows mercy!
for they will be shown mercy.
8 “How blessed is the son who is pure in heart!
for they will see God.
9 “How blessed is the son who is making peace!
for they will be called sons of God.
10 “How blessed is the son who is persecuted
because they pursue righteousness!
for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs.